Love or Limerence? 11 Signs You’re in a Fantasy Relationship
We’ve all heard the term “falling in love,” but what happens when the feeling starts to feel more like a fantasy than reality? Are you really in love, or are you caught up in limerence—a term used to describe an intense infatuation that can be mistaken for love?
While love is grounded in mutual respect, trust, and a deeper connection, limerence can be more of a fantasy—a state of obsessive attraction where you idealize the other person, often overlooking their flaws. In some cases, limerence can feel just as thrilling as love, but it’s usually unsustainable and rooted in fantasy rather than a genuine emotional connection.
So how can you tell the difference between love and limerence? Here are 11 signs that you might be in a fantasy relationship, and how to distinguish it from healthy, authentic love.
1. You Obsess Over Them (More Than You Should)
One of the most obvious signs of limerence is obsession. You can’t stop thinking about them, and when you do, it’s often all-consuming. From constantly checking your phone for their messages to replaying every conversation you’ve had, you’re fixated on them, and it begins to dominate your thoughts.
Why It’s Limerence:
In a healthy relationship, you think about your partner and miss them when they’re not around. But in limerence, the focus is often on the feeling of being in love, not the actual person. You become fixated on how they make you feel, leading to an emotional dependency on their validation.
What to Do Instead:
If you notice your thoughts becoming obsessive, try to redirect your energy elsewhere. Focus on your passions, hobbies, and friendships. Balance is key to keeping your relationship healthy.
2. You Idealize Them (Ignoring Red Flags)
In a limerent relationship, you place your partner on a pedestal, often overlooking their flaws. You might idealize them to the point of creating a fantasy of who you want them to be, not who they really are.
Why It’s Limerence:
Limerence often involves a distorted view of the other person, where their flaws are minimized or completely ignored. Instead of accepting them as they are, you construct an idealized version of them that fits your fantasy.
What to Do Instead:
Take time to reflect on their actual traits—the good and the bad. Healthy love involves embracing each other’s imperfections and working through challenges together, rather than seeing someone through rose-colored glasses.
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3. You Feel a Constant Need for Reassurance
If you constantly seek reassurance from your partner (or from others) about the relationship, it could be a sign that you’re in a fantasy relationship. Whether it’s worrying about where the relationship is headed or seeking confirmation of their feelings, this behavior reflects a need for external validation.
Why It’s Limerence:
Limerence thrives on insecurity. When you’re in this state, you seek validation from the other person to confirm that the relationship exists as you imagine it. This is different from love, where trust and communication provide comfort without constant reassurance.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of relying on constant affirmation, work on building self-confidence and trusting that the relationship will evolve naturally without the need for continuous validation.
4. You Feel Like You Can’t Live Without Them
In a fantasy relationship, you might begin to feel like your life revolves around them—as though your happiness and identity are tied to their presence. You might even start to believe that without them, you couldn’t function.
Why It’s Limerence:
Limerence involves emotional dependency, where your sense of self is inextricably tied to the other person. In love, two people are independent individuals who come together to form a healthy partnership, but in limerence, there’s often a sense of emotional starvation without the other person.
What to Do Instead:
Make sure you have a strong sense of self outside of the relationship. Prioritize your personal growth and maintain a healthy balance between your personal life and romantic life.
5. You Focus on the Fantasy, Not Reality
When you’re in a fantasy relationship, you may spend more time imagining your future together, daydreaming about “what ifs,” and creating an idealized version of your relationship in your mind, rather than focusing on the actual dynamic you have with your partner.
Why It’s Limerence:
In limerence, you’re more in love with the idea of love rather than your actual partner. You create fantasies about the relationship that may never come true, and the reality of the relationship is often less important than your vision of it.
What to Do Instead:
Ground yourself in the present moment. Focus on your actual experiences with your partner and work on building a real relationship based on shared values, communication, and understanding.
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6. You Feel Anxious About Their Feelings Toward You
In a fantasy relationship, you might feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety about whether or not they like you back. This anxiety stems from wanting them to feel the same level of infatuation that you have for them, often resulting in emotional roller coasters.
Why It’s Limerence:
This behavior is rooted in emotional dependency—you’re placing your self-worth in their hands. Healthy love doesn’t create anxiety over whether or not your partner likes you; trust and mutual affection are naturally established.
What to Do Instead:
Work on building your self-esteem so that you don’t rely on your partner’s validation to feel good about yourself. Trust in the relationship and allow it to develop organically without the pressure of seeking constant approval.
7. You Often Imagine a Perfect Future Together
While it’s natural to dream about the future with a partner, limerence leads to obsessing over a perfect, flawless future that might not align with reality. You might imagine the perfect house, career, family, or life together—without considering real-life challenges or the growth that needs to happen to reach those goals.
Why It’s Limerence:
Limerence often involves an unrealistic projection of what the future will look like. Instead of discussing shared goals, there’s a lot of fantasizing and imagining a perfect outcome, which might not be achievable.
What to Do Instead:
Focus on realistic goals with your partner and have open conversations about your future together, including potential challenges. This creates a strong foundation for a lasting relationship based on mutual understanding.
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8. You Sacrifice Your Own Needs for Them
If you find yourself constantly putting their needs ahead of yours, to the point where you neglect your own desires or well-being, this could be a sign that you’re in a fantasy relationship. You might prioritize their happiness over yours, hoping that this will bring you closer together.
Why It’s Limerence:
In limerence, there’s often a lack of balance in the relationship. You may give more than you receive because you’re so focused on pleasing them in order to maintain the fantasy of being loved.
What to Do Instead:
Make sure you prioritize self-care and set boundaries. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and consideration, where both partners’ needs are equally valued.
9. You Feel Like They’re “The One” Too Soon
Believing that someone is “the one” too quickly can be a sign of limerence. This intense feeling of certainty, often felt early in the relationship, can cloud your judgment, making you idealize the person without truly getting to know them.
Why It’s Limerence:
The belief that someone is “the one” too early can be a sign of romantic idealization rather than genuine connection. In limerence, you might rush to label the relationship as something bigger than it is, skipping important steps in building a solid foundation.
What to Do Instead:
Take your time to really get to know each other. Build a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and shared values, rather than rushing into labels or commitments.
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10. You Feel Drained Instead of Energized
Finally, a key sign of being in a fantasy relationship is that, instead of feeling energized by the connection, you feel exhausted—emotionally and mentally. The constant highs and lows of limerence can leave you feeling drained and unfulfilled, even if you’re physically close to your partner.
Why It’s Limerence:
Limerence often creates a toxic cycle of emotional highs and lows. The intense passion can feel exciting at first, but it eventually becomes draining as you try to maintain the fantasy.
What to Do Instead:
If your relationship feels like an emotional rollercoaster, take a step back and assess the dynamic. Healthy love should bring you peace, stability, and emotional fulfillment—not constant stress and exhaustion.
11. You Feel Like You Can’t Be Yourself
In a relationship fueled by fantasy, you might feel like you have to be someone you’re not in order to keep their attention or affection. Whether it’s pretending to be more confident, more agreeable, or even more “perfect,” pretending to be someone else is a key sign of a fantasy relationship.
Why It’s Limerence:
In limerence, you’re often so focused on keeping the fantasy alive that you lose sight of your own true self. The relationship becomes about keeping up an image, not about being authentically yourself.
What to Do Instead:
Focus on being authentic and let your partner see the real you. Healthy relationships are based on mutual love and acceptance of each other’s true selves.
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Conclusion: Recognizing the Difference Between Love and Limerence
It’s important to recognize the difference between love and limerence, especially if you find yourself caught up in a fantasy relationship. Limerence can be an intense and exciting feeling, but it’s not built on the deep, stable foundation of love. It’s often fueled by idealization, obsession, and emotional dependency. Love, on the other hand, is rooted in respect, mutual understanding, and the willingness to grow together as a couple.
If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, take time to assess your feelings and what’s truly going on beneath the surface. You deserve a relationship that’s real, grounded, and fulfilling—one that nurtures your well-being and allows you to grow together with your partner.
FAQs
- Is it possible to move from limerence to love?
Yes, it’s possible. But it requires honest communication, setting boundaries, and building a real connection. It’s important to move past the fantasy and focus on building a healthy, balanced relationship. - How can I stop idealizing my partner?
Start by focusing on their real qualities, both positive and negative. Embrace the relationship as it is, without expecting perfection. Talk about any concerns or unrealistic expectations with your partner. - Can I have limerence without it being unhealthy?
Limerence is only unhealthy when it leads to obsession, dependency, or neglect of your own needs. If you can maintain a sense of independence while experiencing intense feelings, it can eventually evolve into love. - How do I know if my partner is in love with me or just infatuated?
Love is stable, steady, and involves emotional growth, while infatuation (or limerence) is intense but often fleeting. Pay attention to whether your partner values you for who you truly are and whether the relationship evolves over time.
